Happy New Year! Did you make a resolution? How’s it going so far? I started thinking about mine weeks before the ball dropped (which I missed…I blame a certain ginger’s early morning wake up calls) and just today decided what I want it to be.
I’m at my all-time “curviest” and thought resolving to lose 15 pounds would be good. I also haven’t seen my yoga mat in about 5 weeks and thought recommitting to my practice would also make for a healthy resolution. Really, I’d kill two birds with one stone, I could lose some poundage and regain some mental and physical strength. Then I started to doubt my commitment to doing either of those things, or really anything for any sustained length of time. And then I got mad at myself for giving up before I even started. And then this showed up in my inbox. Choosing a theme for the year instead of making a very specific resolution is more my speed these days.
And so, the theme I’ve chosen for 2016 is acceptance. My runner-up theme was fuck it. That’s totally up for grabs if you’re theme-less. So what now? Seems like an easy way out to just pick a word or two and not have anything actionable like committing to run more (bad ankle, no can-do) or read more (too tired after the babe goes to bed…must rest). But you know what, I think this acceptance thing is going to be a challenge, one I’m excited about. The beauty of this particular focus or theme is that by it’s own virtue, acceptance means that something does not have to be perfect, and that in it’s own way, it’s own state here and now, it’s ok. Like, it’s all good, dude!
I want to be clear (for my sake more than anything) that by being more accepting or working towards acceptance, it doesn’t mean I’m giving up on things. I am working towards (fully-ish) accepting Jeff’s diagnosis and the challenges it presents us with. Acceptance of this bullshit disease (you can see where I’m still lacking some acceptance here) does not mean I’m giving up on him or our family. The more I can be at peace with it, the more room it makes for me to be a better caregiver, wife and mom. This is just one of many areas in my life where I want to and feel compelled to apply my 2016 theme to.
Before signing off, I want to share that we had a wonderful holiday this year. With a stable scan at Thanksgiving, cancer stuff was in the back of our minds and we were able to thoroughly enjoy every moment with our family and friends. Even Jeff will admit that 10 days with his mother-in-law was great.
The new year brings a new round of scans. In a couple of weeks we will get the full report as the doctors synced up the lung/liver CT and the brain MRI so that we can receive results for everything on the same day. We are forever optimists, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t say that we’re both feeling the scanxiety creeping in. It’s been two years of this cycle and it finally time that I accept that this is how it feels and it will likely always feel…and it’s ok.
Whatever your resolution is this year, I wish you the very best. And if you didn’t make a resolution, or you already stopped going to the gym, fuck it.
Much love and much hope! xo.